We're about to get real with Alana van der Sluys, a courageous warrior who battled body dysmorphia and disordered eating and emerged victorious. Now a certified intuitive eating counsellor, Alana has a tale to tell that's both heart-wrenching and deeply inspiring. Her journey, from being fixated on weight to transforming her relationship with food and body, is a lighthouse for anyone grappling with similar issues.
This episode also unearths the toxicity of our current wellness culture and its damaging effects. We're living in a time when societal pressure to be 'perfect' is at a staggering high. Our health, however, isn't merely about physical appearance. It's a holistic journey, and it's high time we prioritized our overall well-being over conforming to societal norms. We delve into personal stories, highlighting the battle with unhealthy habits and the toxic wellness messages we've all encountered. Remember, this struggle isn't gender-specific; men too grapple with these pressures. This conversation is a wake-up call to redefine wellness on our own terms.
Switching gears to the arduous task of transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, we don't sugarcoat the truth. This episode discusses body image, disordered eating, and the necessity to address underlying issues head-on. Hear about Alana's journey from battling negative self-talk and number obsession to finding comfort in a structured fitness and eating plan. Our guest enlightens us on how eating MORE actually made them look and feel better and reduced binging behaviours. We round up our conversation on a powerful note, emphasizing self-love, acceptance, and the courage to break free from the endless cycle of dieting. So, gear up to get inspired to reclaim your health journey.
You can find out more about Alana and Freedom with Food and Fitness on Instagram: @FreedomwithFoodandFitness.
0:09 Overcoming Body Dysmorphia and Disordered Eating
11:57 Toxicity of Wellness Culture and Pursuit
20:20 Transitioning to a Healthier Lifestyle
30:56 Overcoming Body Image and Finding Freedom
Are you loving this show? I’d be so grateful if you like, rate, review and share with a friend!
Catch the episode on Youtube to see photos and videos related to this story.
Want to spend more time with me? Join me in my 1:1 Coaching Container https://www.coachedbyjess.com/coaching
Explore more wellness conversations with me over on instagram @coached.byjess
Do you have a story that you would like to share on The Pivot Point? Apply now https://forms.gle/hxfmFb5RNJ7VBKQQ9
We're about to get real with Alana van der Sluys, a courageous warrior who battled body dysmorphia and disordered eating and emerged victorious. Now a certified intuitive eating counsellor, Alana has a tale to tell that's both heart-wrenching and deeply inspiring. Her journey, from being fixated on weight to transforming her relationship with food and body, is a lighthouse for anyone grappling with similar issues.
This episode also unearths the toxicity of our current wellness culture and its damaging effects. We're living in a time when societal pressure to be 'perfect' is at a staggering high. Our health, however, isn't merely about physical appearance. It's a holistic journey, and it's high time we prioritized our overall well-being over conforming to societal norms. We delve into personal stories, highlighting the battle with unhealthy habits and the toxic wellness messages we've all encountered. Remember, this struggle isn't gender-specific; men too grapple with these pressures. This conversation is a wake-up call to redefine wellness on our own terms.
Switching gears to the arduous task of transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, we don't sugarcoat the truth. This episode discusses body image, disordered eating, and the necessity to address underlying issues head-on. Hear about Alana's journey from battling negative self-talk and number obsession to finding comfort in a structured fitness and eating plan. Our guest enlightens us on how eating MORE actually made them look and feel better and reduced binging behaviours. We round up our conversation on a powerful note, emphasizing self-love, acceptance, and the courage to break free from the endless cycle of dieting. So, gear up to get inspired to reclaim your health journey.
You can find out more about Alana and Freedom with Food and Fitness on Instagram: @FreedomwithFoodandFitness.
0:09 Overcoming Body Dysmorphia and Disordered Eating
11:57 Toxicity of Wellness Culture and Pursuit
20:20 Transitioning to a Healthier Lifestyle
30:56 Overcoming Body Image and Finding Freedom
Are you loving this show? I’d be so grateful if you like, rate, review and share with a friend!
Catch the episode on Youtube to see photos and videos related to this story.
Want to spend more time with me? Join me in my 1:1 Coaching Container https://www.coachedbyjess.com/coaching
Explore more wellness conversations with me over on instagram @coached.byjess
Do you have a story that you would like to share on The Pivot Point? Apply now https://forms.gle/hxfmFb5RNJ7VBKQQ9
Welcome to the Pivot Point stories of courage, resilience and reinvention. I'm your host, jessica McGahn, coach, producer and creative, whose mission is to normalize the human experience, ignite the soul and move you from feeling limited to limitless. Please connect us and my hope is that within this series, you will find at least one story that resonates with you on a deeply personal level, one that speaks to your soul or your current situation, that will motivate you to keep moving forward, inspire you to make bold, brave choices in your own life and help you feel less alone in the process. In today's episode, I speak with Alana van der Sluis, who once struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating. In this conversation, and through her work as a speaker, author and intuitive eating counselor, she vulnerably shares her experience living with an eating disorder and the pivotal moment when she looked down at her scale and it read a hundred pounds and it still didn't feel good enough. It was in that moment that she asked herself when is it going to be good enough? And realized it probably never would be if she didn't start to ask for help and make some changes. It was in this moment that she decided enough was enough. When Alana found intuitive eating, she was able to heal her relationship to food and her body and is now passionate about helping others do the same Today.
Speaker 2:Alana van der Sluis is a certified intuitive eating counselor, tedx speaker, eating disorder survivor and the founder of Freedom with Food and Fitness. She is dedicated to empowering women to heal their relationship with food and their bodies, to step into their potential, take up space and pursue true health. Her debut book, freedom with Food and Fitness how Intuitive Eating is the Key to Becoming your Happiest, healthiest Self, was released worldwide this year. She is a contributing writer for several national publications, including the National Eating Disorder Information Center and Best Holistic Life Magazine. She was also most recently a panelist and speaker for the Speak Up Women's Conference and a speaker for Women. Speak Up In a world where capitalism truly monopolizes and benefits from the insecurities that women have with their bodies and men.
Speaker 2:Alana's story is an important one, and I'm excited to share it with you today. So, without further ado, let's dive in. Alana, I am so excited to have you here on the pivot point today. You've shared your story widely. It's an important story that I think a lot of people can relate to, so I'm really excited to dive into this conversation with you today and perhaps you could just start us off with who you were and what life was like for you before your pivotal moment.
Speaker 1:Oh, so before my pivotal moment, I was in grad school and I was getting to the point where I was about to graduate with a master's degree in English education.
Speaker 1:So it's going to be an English teacher. And that can be very scary for anybody who's ever gone into education, because it's like you either get a job for September or you don't, and you don't know where you're going to get a job and you don't know if you're going to move away from your friends and family or if you're going to have a support system in your life anymore as you make this huge transition from college students to all of a sudden adulthood. And I was also somebody who had also relied very heavily on external validation her whole life and I was lucky enough and blessed enough to excel in school and in extracurricular activities and I was, I guess, conventionally pretty and I got a lot of gold, stars and prades and accolades, and it unintentionally created an environment where I didn't know how to be my own cheerleader, like it was there was never like me having to give myself praise or build myself up after falling down.
Speaker 1:And while that was wonderful to get all that praise, obviously you know when you're leaving school and going into the adult world. All of a sudden it's like where do I rank Right, what? How do I know if I'm good enough? How do I know if I'm worthy enough if there's no number attached to it or award that I'm getting in? That was very scary for me. I didn't really know my place in the world, in a way. So I ended up fixating on my body and my weight and it turned what was a seemingly innocent goal weight into a much more insidious series of undiagnosed eating disorders.
Speaker 2:I feel like that, that pressure of like, especially for women. We get fed so many images, especially online and in social media, that a woman's worth and her value is attributed to what she looks like and how much she gives to other human beings. It's like we are the givers, we are the nurturers and we're expected to be perfection in all the ways while doing so. So what did that that look like for you at the moment when you said it kind of spiraled out of control, what? What were you doing? How were you living?
Speaker 1:It was so interesting because on the outside I probably still looked quote unquote normal, like I was still. I was still going out with friends, I still was dating and had a boyfriend and I was doing well in school. I mean, I would probably listen to people that I was getting a little quote unquote too thin, but I looked like I pretty much had it together. And that was the perfectionist in me trying to kind of mask everything that was happening beneath the surface. Because beneath the surface it was this constant ticker tape in my head of what are you going to eat next? Is that healthy enough? How many calories are in that? And then, as I was eating, like, do I feel guilty about eating this? How am I going to have to eat for the rest of the day? Like a boy's scale going to register the next day? Body checking like when? No, because I lived alone at this point and that's usually when those types of disordered eating voices can be. The loudest is when you're alone and there's no other voice to kind of combat it is.
Speaker 1:I was body checking a lot. I was. I had a body dysmorphic disorder, so my stomach like I had to have a six pack. I was wanting to have a six pack had me totally bought all of the time and I would pick up my shirt and look in the mirror and then look in a different mirror and then look in different lighting and then lighting and different types of the day and it was like it was like lots of those almost obsessive, compulsive behaviors. And you know it's crazy because if you look at it from a rational perspective, like nobody's stomach is completely thought all the time, even people who are in the fitness industry, as as the day goes on, you naturally blow when you drink. But I had. I was holding myself since possibly high standard because I was just so desperate to feel like I was enough in some area of my life when I felt so untethered in other areas of my life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that transition period from college to that career path can be so unstable. It can have us questioning so many different things. You were carrying a huge mental and emotional load with this too. When I think of the weight of those thoughts because I haven't had an eating disorder I can't even imagine what it was like to have that constantly. But in like little blips of my own life where I was getting fed those kinds of messaging you know growing up in the early 2000s, where it was like you had to be sick then it is so much work to be like okay, how much calories are in this. Okay, I ate this earlier, I need to eat this smaller, like all of that is just so.
Speaker 1:It's so much labor like it mentally and emotionally yeah especially, especially when you're you're attributing to your worth, you like you're attributing your worth to it. So then it's like there's not only is that the very time consuming and pressuring, but there's so much pressure on it because it's like your identity is is hanging on the thing.
Speaker 2:You remember getting a lot of comments on your appearance during that time, like praise for how skinny you looked and how good the clothes were fitting. And, oh my gosh, you must. Because, also like we, I feel like we so oftentimes look at overweight people and be like they're unhealthy. But the skinny person, oh, they must be healthy, they must be doing everything right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah, and you know what it was is. I would eat one way in private. You know I eat like super, super, super, quote, unquote, clean in private. And then I would eat you know again, I'm putting clothes around, everything normal when I would go out to eat with my girlfriends or with my boyfriend, everyone be like, oh my God, like you just eat normally and you're so skinny, like how, like, how is that? Like you're so lucky and like little did they know what was really happening? You know behind the scenes. And then you know people would compliment like, oh, like, how do you, how do you look that way? Like what, how will you do for your workouts? And I, you know I would love the compliments, but on the inside, like the small, I guess maybe these little girl inside of me just wanted to be like I have an eating disorder, please help me. Like you don't want this. That's kind of what I really wanted to say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you were kind of aware that what, what was going on for you, was unhealthy. Yeah, oh for sure how many people knew, like, were you talking to anybody, were your doctors or anyone kind of taking notice?
Speaker 1:No, you know not really. My mom knew eventually. And you know what's interesting, jess, I don't think I really knew until maybe halfway through. I say there was about a seven year period where I was in this disordered eating, eating disorder phase and I would say maybe halfway through I was like, oh my gosh, this is actually an eating disorder Like this is what this is. But at first I just I knew it was a pain in the butt and was obsessive, but I didn't think it was a problem. And I think that's something to really mark in this conversation is this idea that a lot of women think dieting is just normal and eating breakfast is just normal and laying yourself constantly is normal. But it's common, but it's not normal.
Speaker 2:It's not healthy to be constantly worrying about other people's opinions about how you look or even like feeling like, if you look a certain way, that you won't be valued or that you're not enough.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%. Well, that's something I talk about in the first week of my coaching program, because I have an intuitive eating coaching program and one of the first things I do with my clients is we tease out this idea of what is diet culture and what is authentic health and what is and isn't healthy, and we have to really kind of think to ourselves is it really healthy? If you are genuinely, if a slice of cake genuinely makes you anxious when you're at like your son's birthday party is it genuinely healthy that you feel, if you eat over your allotted calorie intake, that you have to go make that up in the gym? It's just what is healthy and what isn't. Healthy is so much more than physical health. It's mental, emotional, spiritual health, it's all of these things. But our culture seems to fixate on appearances and what appears to be healthy and what appears to be healthy must be healthy, but a lot of times it's anything but in fact, a lot of times it's the opposite.
Speaker 2:And it's also hard because social media and marketing heavily praise upon our insecurities, like the messages we get. I know you speak of this in some of your textiles but the toxicity of the wellness cultures and there's that pressure to be perfect and great and that it's possible for you if you're just willing to work hard enough for it and try hard enough for it and push through anything and also, like these marketing agencies who are being like you can be skinny if you just drink shakes all day and those toxic messages.
Speaker 1:It's so toxic. And there are two things I could say to that, and the first is that there are a lot of memoirs out there from bikini competitors and people who really train for these ideal physiques and they are miserable. They're miserable. They're eating almost nothing, they're training for hours a day, they don't have a social life, their hormones are out of whack All of these crazy things are happening to them. They're miserable and when bikini competitors aren't training for a competition, their bodies you can't sustain the way that they look all the time. So their bodies change. They go more back to quote, unquote, normal and they feel really bummed out during those kind of interim periods because they don't look the way that they know that they can look.
Speaker 1:But we could all probably prepare for a bikini competition. We all probably could get a six pack. We tried hard enough, but I think and we'll talk about this in my pivotal moment is that worth it.
Speaker 2:And also like at what cost?
Speaker 1:Like at what cost Exactly? The cost is extremely high and I mean, I guess it's, you know, to each their own and it varies person to person. But I have to ask myself is this body that I want really worth it and am I pursuing it in the right way? But to your other point, the dieting industry and the marketing that we receive in magazines and media and social media, this is, it's a business. Their business is to get our money. So why would they create something that would work on the first try? Because they would run out of money. They've created a system. They've created dieting that is so unsustainable that of course it acquires. Of course we fail on it, and then we think it's our fault because that's what the messaging tells us. And then we buy more products. We buy $733 a year worth of diet and weight loss products.
Speaker 2:That's a statistic like that's an actual statistic.
Speaker 1:That's a real statistic.
Speaker 2:That's so depressing to hear, that's so sad to hear, and I think it's also important like, although we are two women having this conversation, it's also important to acknowledge like men are not immune to this as well. Like men also get hit by these same messages and these same cultures to look a certain way in order to appear masculine and strong, and all of those things. So when did you really like, when did you realize that this was a problem, like this was unhealthy and that you needed to start making some changes?
Speaker 1:There were a couple of pivotal moments that I really remember. One of them was I was following this blog by this girl, I don't know. She was in Upstate New York and she was like a fitness and recipe blogger. So she was like very fit and she had all these beautiful recipes and all the pictures were perfect and she was beautiful and her husband was good looking and had this little cute light together and I kind of really looked up to her and it was one of those things and I read a blog every week and she looked like her life was perfect.
Speaker 1:And then I read one post from her that she had been diagnosed with hyposalamic amenorrhea, which is when you lose your menstrual cycle. You lose your period because you're literally not getting enough nutrients in your body for it to function properly. So what happens when you restrict your calories is your body will decide what are the most important functions to keep going and what can we shut down in order to conserve energy. So obviously, things like your heart, your liver, your kidneys, your brain can keep that going, but secondary functions, like your menstrual cycle, is going to shut off. So she's diagnosed with HA. She's told she needs to gain 15 to 20 pounds so that she can start trying to start their family. She's trying to conceive and she was having a whole lot of trouble.
Speaker 1:And it was very jarring for me because I was only 22 or 23 at this time when I read that. So I wasn't personally ready for a family, but I knew I wanted one in the future. And it was just this moment of twofold. It was one oh my gosh, I could be putting so much strain on my body that I might not be able to have children, which was very scary for me.
Speaker 1:And number two was the realization that I've been looking up to this girl, thinking she was so perfect and had the perfect life, but it really wasn't the case. She was kind of where I was in terms of this restriction and not feeling her body enough, and it just was. You know, looks are very deceiving, and that was one moment for me, for certain. And then the other moment that really sticks out for me is the day that I got on the scale and I was 100 pounds, and I don't like using numbers a lot as an intuitive eating coach, but I think, in terms of this story and having it be powerful and relatable for the thirsty, here is I'm 5'4". I should not be 100 pounds like even though BMI. I can go on a whole tangent about body mass index being a crock of poop For an adult woman of 5'4" that is very many.
Speaker 1:Definitely not enough. And I just I felt a couple of different things in that moment. I felt a I hate to admit it a sixth sense of accomplishment in one, in one respect. And then, in another respect, I felt a sense of fear because I knew that that was way too low. I knew I was starving my body. And then I had a light bulb moment with that fear and with that sixth sense of satisfaction of I still don't love my body. So when is it going to be enough? It wasn't enough that 108, wasn't 100, 500, it wasn't 100, what is it really going to take double digits for me to love myself?
Speaker 1:And I finally realized that I've been chasing the wrong thing the whole time. I was chasing a goalie, I was chasing a size and it was never going to be that thing. And there might be listeners right now saying, well, no matter how you cut that story, Alana, you were still thin. It's like what does it matter? Like who cares? Like you're still lucky enough to be thin. And yeah, in a lot of ways I'm in a straight size body, I'm in a thin body, naturally, and I live in a society that values thinner bodies over larger bodies. I understand that. But at the same time the story still shows that it doesn't matter the weight, because it wasn't going to be a weight that was going to make me happy with myself. I realized I had to find a different way to do that.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter what you look like eating disorder, the things that are happening in your brain and how you perceive yourself. You could be rich and skinny, have the personal trainer, and you could still be hating your body and you could still feel like you're not good enough based on how you look, and you could still have that body bit dysmorphia, like it doesn't matter. So I hope that no one is judging you for that in this moment, and thank you for acknowledging it, though, because I feel like maybe there are people who think that and just if you are, you're wrong, so let's correct that right now. So it sounds like that was quite the light bulb moment for you. It was like this number, when is this going to be good enough?
Speaker 2:I love that you were able to ask yourself that question in that moment, but there's no way that this just changed for you just like that. I'm sure that there was a progression, because how long had you been? You said seven years of living this way, of talking to yourself in a negative way about your body, I'm sure, and looking at those numbers and counting those calories. So where did you even begin to start transitioning to a healthier lifestyle?
Speaker 1:It's so interesting and I talk about this transition in the book because this would never be something that I would suggest for a client, but this is my real life and my real experience, so I have to speak about it in the book and I'll speak about it here as well as I actually found I'm not going to name the company, but it's a company, a fitness company, that also has eating plans and they have, like the portion control dinners and they assign you a coach and I got a coach and my coach, looking back on it, was extremely orthorectic. She actually admitted to me she was scared to eat out at a restaurant. She had to cook all over meals so that she could be in control of them. But that's the thing to hear in order.
Speaker 2:Is that the definition of orthorexic? I've never heard that before.
Speaker 1:Yes. So orthorexic or orthorexia is when you are obsessed with clean eating. Quote, unquote right, yes, you have to only eat healthy foods. You would never eat a donut, and the idea of doing that would cause you, like a lot of anxiety or cause you to want to make up for that food in some way, either by restricting later on or adding in more exercise or anything like that. So I ended up on this portion control container plan and that was my intermediary step to recovery, just because, although it was still very rigid in terms of like, you have to eat this many carbs and this many fasts and this many whatever and you have to like stay within the parameters of your plan or whatever at least, I was giving my body way more than I had been giving it. So I would say I was eating about 50% more calories on this plan than I was before. I was eating so little. Before I was eating like 900 calories a day.
Speaker 1:It was really really bad. So at least that program left me feeling safe, in that I was eating more of what was appropriate for my body size, and the interesting thing about it was the number on the scale went up to what was a little bit more appropriate, but the way my body looked was actually better, which was like kind of like. The crazy part of it all is that all of a sudden I was giving my body enough nutrients to build muscle and to have my metabolism rev back up again, because when I was restricting so heavily. When people diet and put themselves in a calorie deficit, their metabolism slows all the way down. It deregulates because it's trying to conserve energy in order to survive. It has no idea that you're dieting. It thinks that there is a famine or a period of starvation that has to prepare for the winter so your metabolism is super sluggish.
Speaker 1:Your body is eating away at your muscles when you restrict your calories. So all of a sudden, I'm eating all of these calories and my metabolism is firing up and building all this muscle and I start to actually look and feel better, eating more.
Speaker 1:And it was like it blew my mind. But again I was still in an intermediary step because I found safety in the structure. I found safety in the idea of like, okay, you expert outside of me, tell me what I need for my own body and I'll feel safe because otherwise I might binge or I might overeat and gain all this weight. So you, company, tell me what I need to do and take my money.
Speaker 2:So I have two questions about that. One, was your coach aware that you were struggling with an eating disorder at the time? And two, was it hard for you to start allowing yourself to eat that much food? Like, do you remember because you said you basically doubled what you were eating before, which can be really challenging for people who struggle with eating disorders? Like, do you remember how has Nick been in the past If it was difficult for you to start eating those meals at the beginning?
Speaker 1:You know, honestly it wasn't, because I think I think I had a quick realization that I wanted to be fit Like I. That was kind of always the main goal and I thought I was going to get fit by having the number go down. But once I kind of saw this program and started reading on how I needed to eat more to gain the muscles to look the way that I wanted to, I felt safe in following a program that was going to help me get there. So I was actually okay with it. And I also started to notice that when I did eat more I binged less, which makes sense. I didn't realize I had been eating disorder. It was Monday through Friday. I used to be so clean and meticulous with caliring my calories it was a super low number that by the time the weekend hit I have a cocktail or two with my girlfriends. My inhibitions would be lowered. I'd be like I deserve all the food and I would open the floodgates. But then I wouldn't be able to stop.
Speaker 1:And then you feel so bad about that. You're like, well, starting Monday I'm going to be back on the horse. So once I started eating more, my body was getting enough energy, getting enough calories, my body started to trust that I was going to give it the nourishment that it needed. It pulled back on the binging because it didn't need to have that as a survival mechanism anymore. So that was another reason why I was kind of okay with following the plan is the binging was stopping a little bit.
Speaker 2:And did your expert who was helping you aware of no?
Speaker 1:No, you know what? I wasn't at the point where I was ready to talk about it and I was still kind of figuring out what exactly I had, what exactly was wrong with me, because I was too afraid to go seek help. I was too afraid to tell a doctor about it. Actually, in fact, here's a good one. I ended up with high cholesterol because of my eating disorder, which can happen, and I went to the doctor and he was talking to me about my most recent blood work and he says to me well, you know, just don't smoke and eat well and exercise, and it's like that is so triggering for somebody who has an eating disorder. But he didn't know.
Speaker 2:You would hold the doctor like you're the person, though, who's going to be the most helpful person for you in that moment? You would think your doctor, but he didn't even think to recognize where you might be at or to evaluate you. And, like at the time, do you think he would have been able to see that something was wrong based on how skinny you were?
Speaker 1:No, I mean no one ever said anything to me. None of my doctors ever said anything to me. It wasn't like I wasn't getting regular checkups in these seven years, but not one did anybody think anything was wrong and that's an entire another conversation that we can have Jess about like weight centric medical care, totally.
Speaker 2:Do you remember wishing someone noticed, though? Do you remember I feel like you said this somewhere earlier in this of sometimes, when we're in so much pain or hurting like we just wish that someone would knew how much we were hurting? Were you like very protective and like trying very hard to hide what was happening for you internally?
Speaker 1:I was trying very hard to hide it because, well, you know what my mom noticed. My mom was definitely like you're looking really skinny.
Speaker 1:And part of me was, and then I was allowed. I'd be like, no, I'm fine. And then internally I was actually happy to hear that and I think part of the reason I'm happy to hear that was because I always wanted like a weight buffer for when I would binge eat, like, oh well, I'm you know, ex-medipalans underweight, so if I, if I binge eat, it won't really matter. You know what I mean. But my, my eating disorders were partially born out of maladaptive perfectionism. Like I'm a perfectionist and I totally own that and that's fine. But there's like adaptive perfectionism where you're using it for good and high achieving and it's driving in a healthy way. And then there's, like you know, the maladaptive, destructive perfectionism. I didn't want anybody to think that there was anything wrong with me. I wanted to figure it out on my own how to heal, because I didn't want anyone to know I ever had a problem in first place.
Speaker 2:When you were going through your healing and you were starting to eat more and and move towards a healthier lifestyle? What mental and emotional hurdles did you encounter in that growth transition?
Speaker 1:Quite a few. I mean, I, I really had to get over the fear of what would happen when I gained weight.
Speaker 1:And I had to eventually get over the fear of what would happen if I began to eat intuitively, because along my journey, I found podcasts about intuitive eating and it like blew my mind to know that there was a subculture of women who had consciously decided they were not going to diet, they were not going to try to control their weight. They were still going to pursue health, but they weren't going to do this in this rigid way that has all these food rules and conditions and shoulds, and I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be the person who could just eat what she wanted and listen to her body and nourish it the way that it needed to, and not worry about where the weight was going to fall, and still have confidence in herself, no matter where it fell. And letting go of the control that I thought I had over my body shape and size was very, very scary.
Speaker 1:Now, weighing myself was very, very scary. I'd weighed myself every day in the morning for years and years and years, and then I decided I have to stop this because if I know the number, I'm going to try to manipulate it, so I have to step off the scale. That was another one. When I go to the doctor they're like, all right, step on the scale and I go up. No, thank you. So they kind of give me like a. If they don't know me. I need to kind of give me an physical look like they're like a new nurse, they're like oh, oh.
Speaker 2:I'm like, yeah, no, I don't, I don't do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't even tell them why, I just say no, thank you.
Speaker 2:Fair and they respect it. They don't challenge you on it.
Speaker 1:They do. I mean, sometimes they're like why? And I just I don't even, I just don't, I just don't want to and I just I don't feel like I have to take your pride in them with a response Like I've. You know, clearly I've made a platform of my eating disorder, so I have no problem telling people my story, but I don't feel like it's really anyone's business why or why not. We don't want to get on the scale or be a part of that world, so I don't even think that I would Fair enough.
Speaker 2:Um, do you remember who you leaned on for support during this time, like? Who was like when did you start talking to people and telling people, and who supported you through it?
Speaker 1:I'm really honestly really my husband the most. He was the person I probably told first. I think I relied a lot so, and I'm an only child, so I have only child syndrome for sure. So I tried everything on my own and I'm very independent, so I didn't really tell anybody that much while I was going through it, except for my mom and my husband. Those were the two people I would talk to about it a lot Like. My mom definitely received the same type of message over and over and over again, which is what I mean. That's what recovery is. It's very, it's not linear, it's very cyclical. You do make the same mistakes over and over again until you finally get that muscle memory to make the right decision.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah. Growth and change is definitely not a linear path. It is all over the place Winds fails, ups, downs, turning back around like all the time. I'm glad that you had at least a couple people in your life who you could lean on for support as you navigated this change.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and even even the podcast. Like eventually you listen to enough episodes of some podcast. You start to feel like they're like your friends and you're like the unintended mentor. Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's great, like those are the best kinds of podcast, ones like the ones that make you feel good and you listen to it and you feel seen and heard and like you have a community that understands you. I'm glad that you found that podcast for yourself.
Speaker 1:Do you remember the name of it? There were a couple. I don't remember the very first one, but the Dear Body podcast with Jesse Jean was a really big one. How to Love your Body by the Body Love Society. The Fuck it Diet by Caroline Dooner. Food Psych by Christy Harrison. Those were, I think, my top four at the time and I would just cycle through these episodes, listen to old episodes, and it was great because it was like cognitive behavioral therapy or no, no, no, I fear what's called what kind of therapy where, like you, just repeat the same things over and over again. But that was kind of what it was like. It was the same messages over and over again from different people. That was kind of rewiring my brain to think a different way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that makes total sense, like knowing that how we speak to ourselves matter like words or spells. They're magic, so kind of flooding your brain with the things that you needed to train your brain to hear. That makes sense to me, at least. So where are you now, what's like for you now, and how do you feel about your body today?
Speaker 1:Life is awesome. I mean, listen, I have my own demons and I'm still working through. In therapy, I have my. You know it's still a journey. I'm still working on making my perfectionism a little more adaptive and to serve me. And you know, I still am working on things like boundaries with technology and social media. So I still have my own things happening. But in terms of food and weight, I don't know what I weigh. I enjoy working out and movement and exercise and strength training and I love eating nourishing foods, but I also love the junk foods or play foods and I both of them have a place in my life right now. I pursue health, I pursue nutrition and fitness, but it's done in such a more flexible and intuitive way. I finally learned how to listen to my body and what it needs and what it doesn't need, and it's freed up so much mental energy and emotional energy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you were carrying a heavy load at the beginning of this podcast.
Speaker 1:I was, I really was, and I now I'm starting to speak to female businesses and female entrepreneurs about the time, money and energy that we waste when we diet. You know there was, there was a point in time where I was working at a high school, making $30,000 a year, and I told a colleague that I would be happy to stay there and retire at $30,000 a year for like 40 years. It's like there's nothing wrong with $30,000 a year for anybody, but the fact that I was like 24 and I was like, no, I'm cool to just stay right here forever, like I have no intention of growth or evolution or anything like that. I was too. I was too exhausted. I had so much brain fog from that eating that I just I couldn't imagine a life bigger than the one that I was living. And now life is so much different, like between my job and my business. Like I make over six figures.
Speaker 1:I did a TED Talk, I wrote a book. They're actually publishing my book Like they're actually done. It was good enough. So like things have changed so much. I have a family now. I have a son now I was able to have a healthy baby, and things are just so much more free and so much more. On my own terms, I couldn't, I couldn't really ask for more.
Speaker 2:The energy that you just gave right there just makes it so crystal clear how much happier you are in your life right now, like you just lit the fuck up talking about everything that's going on right now, and for good reason. You've got so much good happening, and not one of those things had to do with your weight.
Speaker 1:And you know, and that's the crazy thing, I have all of these beautiful things in my life and it wouldn't matter if I weight what I weigh now or 50 pounds more, I could still have those exact things. And I think that we weight I think especially women, but men too. We wait until we look a certain way in order to show up the way that we want to show up. And we're going to be waiting forever, like just do the dang thing, because you don't know how much time you have and this life is so precious to just do it. I have.
Speaker 2:I want to. I have two questions. I always have two questions, it seems. One is you just mentioned you had a baby and we know that having babies, for women especially changes our bodies, like we get the big belly and then the post trying to feel good in our bodies again. There's so many body changes. Was there, was that a trigger in any way for you? Did you have to rework through some of your body image things during that time, or were you having enough support? It has been so far in your progress that you were strong enough to manage that transition at that time.
Speaker 1:You know it's funny, because I was worried about that too, you know. And it ended up being okay. It ended up actually making me respect my body even more, because of the things that it was able to do were just incredible to watch, and my labor was 38 hours, which is a long time. I know it was intense and I was like, oh my God, like I survived that, Like my body went through that. I made a whole fucking human being Like it's a real friend and I.
Speaker 1:You know there's such a pressure to get your body back after, because you know we see these celebrities who get tummy tussed after their C-sections and then they're like, oh, look at me and I have to say and this is not like a plug like oh, if you eat intuitively you'll get your body back right away. But I was. I was like I looked back to normal for the most part within like two months and I enjoyed damn staying differently.
Speaker 1:I didn't do anything differently. I didn't count calories, I didn't work out more, I didn't do anything. I mean, granted, I was, you know, breastfeeding like a machine, so there was some of that probably but like it, just like it was a miraculous that I had let go of the control and my body just went back to the way that it was always supposed to be, like I didn't have to do a damn thing for it to happen. And, yeah, I actually like my body better now than before. I had pain, yeah, but what I will say, I do have loose skin around my stomach because and that's not good, I mean, there's nothing I can do about that it's not like I can tone up its skin and had a really big beach belly, so but it's it's, it's a reminder, it's like that was. That was my son's name is Archer. That was Archer's first home.
Speaker 2:Like he lived in there.
Speaker 1:And like I can't, oh, thank you, I can't hate it. Okay, I love it. It's a wonderful reminder how we were, like we were one person at one time, and I love it.
Speaker 2:And it wasn't triggering anything for you. You were really appreciating what your body was doing in that moment growing a human being able to survive 38, 34 hours of labor Like 48 man. No, thank you, that's that's that scares me. Like you, you up what's in for your body now.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. But let me tell you, when he asked why he's an only child, that's going to be part of it.
Speaker 2:I think that's enough, said. You just say 38 hours. Okay, that's why you're only child Archer. Yeah, just straightening. So what are you hoping? Okay, actually, what. What message do you have for anyone who might be listening right now, who is struggling with body image eating disorders or body dysmorphia right now?
Speaker 1:There is nothing to be ashamed of. There is not a damn thing to be ashamed of. If you need help, you have to tell somebody, you have to reach out to a professional, whether it's a coach like me, or a dietician or a therapist or just it.
Speaker 1:it breeds and it lives in isolation and nobody wants to talk about how fucked up they feel around food and their body because they feel like they should have it all together and they should just that. They should be just losing weight and it should be easy. And what's wrong with them? And it's? It's such a nuanced problem and there's so many different reasons. People can have issues with food in so many different ways that I just want everybody to know there's there's nothing wrong with you at all. There's so many of us struggling with it, most of us in the dark, and the sooner you can admit that there's an issue and find the appropriate help, find someone to be in your corner, find someone, ideally, who has been where you are now, you're going to feel a million times better. I get on coaching, consultations with people and sometimes, even if people don't sign up for my program, I hear a lot on the conversations like I feel so much better after the call because they've simply told their story finally instead of pretending like it wasn't a problem.
Speaker 2:Talking about it, just saying it out loud, is a huge step in healing period. Like just being able to say those words and talk about it is massive. And if anyone is listening to this and like knows that they need to work with you and they want to see more about your work and get in touch with you, where is the best way for them to do that?
Speaker 1:So my website is freedomwithfoodandfitnesscom. I am very active on Instagram at freedomwithfoodandfitness, so the book is also called Freedom of Food and Fitness and yeah, that's really a company. Hi you know, if you're interested in coaching, we talk about that too. Really, really, wherever you guys want, I'm here.
Speaker 2:And I will have all of your links in the episode description below so people don't have to guess on how to find you. Just go to the episode description, click and connect with Alana today. Alana, this has been such a great conversation. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and coming on to share your story. I'm sure that there is someone, at least one person, who needs to hear this journey, and I know it will help a lot of people. So thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 1:Thanks for having me, Jess.
Speaker 2:And now it's time for the legal stuff. This podcast is presented to you solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I may be a professionally certified coach myself, but hosting a podcast is not coaching. This podcast should not be used in substitution of working with a licensed therapist, doctor, coach or other qualified professionals. Copy that I'm Alana and I'll see you on the next episode. Nothing but love, Jess.